


Go On

by mistyautumn



Category: Defiance (TV)
Genre: Gen, Grief, Hope
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-27
Updated: 2020-05-27
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:55:41
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 882
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24407650
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mistyautumn/pseuds/mistyautumn
Summary: Amanda suggested this: laying them to rest. She said it was healthy; said it was closure.
Relationships: Christie McCawley/Alak Tarr, Irisa Nyira & Alak Tarr
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	Go On

**Author's Note:**

> Another contemplation on grief, featuring Irisa and Alak. I love their budding friendship, and wish we could have glimpsed more of it.

The breeze is chilly, and the sky is grey. Irisa and Alak stand together among the trees; they both wear black, like the humans do. They have lost the humans that were precious to them. Amanda suggested this: laying them to rest. She said it was healthy; said it was closure.

 _Nolan isn’t dead._ Irisa feels a bit like an imposter next to Alak. Sometimes when she closes her eyes she can still see the propulsion rings in the darkness; taking Nolan somewhere else. Not some afterlife, just… far away. Amanda gave her a badge to bury. She doesn’t know Irisa has the real one tucked away; safe.

Luke makes a soft sound in Alak’s arms, closing a tiny fist around the chain of the necklace his father holds. It was Christie’s, before. Now, she supposes, it will be the Earth’s. Alak takes a deep breath, gazing at his son then kissing his head gently. Black is too harsh for Alak Tarr, Irisa thinks. He’s warm. His heart is soft. He loves. He’s _good_. All in black he looks like a specter of death.

Maybe he is.

Maybe they both are.

They’ve seen too much death.

_Can I lay them all to rest?_

Maybe Amanda was right… Maybe she does need some kind of closure.

“I wish we had more time.” Alak says, breaking the silence and kneeling, Luke on his lap. Irisa kneels in the dirt beside him, looking at the two holes they’ve made in the ground. She feels that wish in her bones. “I wish-… a lot of things. I miss you. _We_ miss you.” He swallows hard and tears slip from his eyes; he hugs Luke a little closer. “Th-thank you… for being patient with me. For- for teaching me so much. Thank you for _loving_ me.” Another breath, and he speaks softly in Casti. “ _Even when I was an idiot._ ” He manages a rueful smile. Irisa smiles thinly too. “You were so brave, Christie-” His voice quavers. “ _Rayetso_ -” He looks up at the sky, the hole in the ground suddenly unbearable. “I’ll make sure Luke knows it. I-… I hope he’s like you.”

He closes his hand gently over Luke’s small one, and for a moment they hold _Christie_ , then Alak lowers the necklace into the earth, the motion achingly gentle. His breath hitches as he lets go, and he snuggles Luke to him, head bowed. On his other side there’s a basket, and in it there are flowers. He guides Luke to take one and drop it into the ground. “Mama liked flowers.” He murmurs, then lays down one of his own.

Irisa draws the fake badge from her pocket, gazing at it. “I’m not good at this…” She says softly. “I’m just gonna blame you for that, ok?” She smiles thinly, and catches Alak smiling a little too. “You were a good dad. I know it wasn’t easy, but you-… you did your best. Thank you, Nolan.” She blinks back the sting of her own tears. “For saving me. Every time.” Her lips press together and she tries to steady herself, grateful when Alak fills the silence.

“You helped me when I was lost. I… I’ll always remember that. Thank you, Nolan”

She nods, taking a breath. “If you’re out there, or… or if you’re not… I miss you. I’m proud of you and- and proud you’re my dad. I love you.” She puts the badge in the ground. Alak hands her a flower and she takes it, looking at it.

“For what it’s worth… he’d proud of you, too.”

“You think so?”

Alak nods. “I know it.” He takes her free hand and squeezes it, and Irisa lays the flower by the badge. She can almost hear Nolan chuckle; can’t help but smile a little.

_Gettin’ sappy on me, kid?_

_Just a little._

“Before he sent me back, he told me I’ve got one life… that I should use it well.”

Alak considers that, nods. “That’s how you honor him.” He looks to her, then to Luke. “How we honor them…”

Honor their sacrifices.

They fall quiet for a little while, but finally Irisa starts to fill the hole with dirt.

“Can you say ‘I love you, mama’?” Alak murmurs to Luke, helping him throw in a tiny handful of earth. Luke doesn’t talk yet, but he laughs, and Alak smiles at him; his eyes bright. “We love you, Christie.” He says softly. They are here together because of her.

“She knows.” Irisa smiles thinly.

Alak nods; buries his wife… Irisa wonders again if she can bury all of her ghosts. She tries.

_Closure._

They lay more flowers down when it’s done, and Alak looks to Irisa.

“What do we do now…?” He shifts his weight to sit on the ground, folding his legs and settling Luke again. She mirrors him, looking up at the sky, then back to Alak.

“We go on…” She sighs. “Somehow.”

“We can figure it out together.” Alak smiles wanly, and there’s gratitude in his eyes that Irisa isn’t sure she deserves. She’s grateful too, for him, and for Luke.

“We will.” _Somehow._ “We’ve got our orders from Nolan.”

“Use it well.” He looks up at the sky and catches a glimpse of blue through the clouds.

“We will.”


End file.
